White.

On the seventh day, he said, “I’m hungry,” and began to cry.

The room was octagonal, tall, and bathed entirely in white light. Hidden fixtures above the ceiling, behind the walls, and below the floor ensured that there were no shadows to hide in. The room was plain, free of beds or any sign of comfort. Night came when every light snapped off simultaneously, leaving the room utterly black. Morning came when the lights turned back on uncountable hours later.

He woke up disoriented on the first day. He felt groggy, like he’d been asleep for a long time. He walked the circumference of the room and feebly pounded the walls, shouting at first for help, and then later for attention. When that failed, he ran his palms up and down the walls, looking for a window, a door, some type of crack he could pry loose. The walls were smooth, seamless, and cool to the touch.

He remembered his name early in the morning on day two while sitting in the darkness, and his immediate past soon followed. He started screaming once the lights came up. He clawed his face and rent his clothes with his fingers, struggling to tear the plain white shirt and loose white pants off his body. His nails held steady, leaving strips of white hanging from his chest and thighs. His vocal cords eventually buckled under the strain of his screams, and he fell prey to a vicious coughing fit. When he finally caught his breath again, his eyes watery and distant from lightheadedness, it was a ragged and painful wheeze.

He was silent for nearly an hour then. He sat with his back to a wall, he couldn’t tell which, and looked at the ground. His mouth kept working as he sat there, forming shapes that could have been words or wails if he had a voice. Toward the end of the hour, his mouth snapped shut. He raised his head and stood up. He faced the wall behind him, placed both of his hands on it at shoulder level, closed his eyes, and headbutted the wall. He hit it again, and again, and again. He lost count after six, and again after twelve, before his body gave out and he crumpled to the floor.

He awoke on the third day to find his clothes repaired and his wounds gone. He sat quietly right where he woke up with his legs crossed and arms hanging limp at his sides. He kept his neck limp, his head hanging just over his chest. His eyes remained closed, and he sat motionless throughout the day.

He prayed from light to dark on the fourth day, a combination of praise-giving and forgiveness-begging. He spent hours speaking in a low, rough voice, with breaks only coming during the times he bowed until his forehead touched the floor or when he raised hands to the sky. Tears streamed from his eyes as he prayed, leaving his face swollen and distorted. They traced traced dirty streaks down his face, despite the sterile, clinical environment.

Just before lights-out on the fifth day, he coughed and spat blood. It seemed redder than anything he’d ever seen on the white floor. He looked at the blood, unblinking, until the lights went out.

On the sixth day, he railed against his sins, his unseen and unknown captors, and his cell as he paced from wall to wall to wall. He cursed his life, his mother, and every family member whose name he could still remember. The coughing fits that interrupted the cursing like clockwork left blood spattered around the room, little red dots that became increasingly difficult to ignore over the course of the day. The bottoms of his feet spread the blood across the room in a streak of filthy footprints and smears. He’d stopped covering his mouth when he coughed, or even turning his head. He spoke, he coughed, and he continued speaking.

He crumpled on the seventh day. He woke up laying flat in the room, staring at the ceiling. He held the position, initially trying to divine the location of the lights that had tormented him over the past week, but his eyes soon glazed over and his mind drifted. He thought about being found in his apartment, confused and covered in blood, instead. He thought about his family, his friends, his life, and the men in black suits who kicked in his doors and windows what felt like moments before he woke up in a white cell. He thought about the smears of red that covered his walls and he collapsed under the pressure.

He coughed again, directly into the air this time. There was no blood. Just pain. He stood in the center of the room and said, “I’m hungry and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be hungry.” The room remained silent and white while his heartbeat thudded in his ears. He waited in the same spot for hours, doing his best to stifle the coughs.

Shortly before lights-out, he knelt, pressing his forehead to the floor once last time. He kissed the ground and said, “Please kill me.”

In Search of Ecstasy

Last year, and the first half of this year honestly, delivered a series of wake-up calls, frustrations, terrifying moments of clarity, and downers. It made me realize that I had a life that I had gotten comfortable in, but it was not a life I needed or deserved. I was maintaining, treading water, instead of enjoying it and living up to my potential. I needed to fix myself, and the problem is that I did, and do, not know how to do that.

I came up with a plan anyway. The biggest part of that plan was the imposition of order onto my life, a schedule I try and follow, and reinvigorating my sense of discipline. I doubled down on the work ethic my grandfather taught me and all the hard or annoying lessons about sacrifice and getting things done I was tricked into learning as a kid. I’ll probably talk about that at a later date.

I’ve been steadily working, with breaks for school, since I was 14. My first freelance gig was around ten years ago. I’ve been aware of my depression eight or nine years now. When I was younger, I thought I avoided it by working. I wrote until the wee hours of the morning often, I worked until I got bored, and I slept a lot because I was tired all the time. When I got a salaried job, it took a lot of time for me to change gears, but even that job required unpaid overtime at a few different points over the calendar year, so any time I switched gears, it was all too easy to fall back into old habits.

I moved to San Francisco in 2007 and had to figure out how to live on my own, be an adult, get used to a new city, and build a social life. It was stressful, but fun, because it was new. I made mistakes, I had fun, and it was worth the time. But last year, in the throes of the blackest mood I’d felt in a while, I realized it wasn’t enough. I don’t do enough. I don’t like enough. I wasn’t happy enough.

As part of my vague plan to fix my life, I decided that I needed to enjoy more. I try to say yes when friends ask me out, though sometimes circumstances and inertia make me feel okay with flaking out. But I do try, because I want to do things.

Late last year, I moved from San Francisco to Oakland. The move brought with it my first roommate, a lot more space, and, of all things, a balcony. It’s not a big balcony, or even particularly cool. It’s got entirely too many spiderwebs, for one thing, and the tree that’s nearest to the edge (within touching distance) ranges from very pretty to very gross, because it’s sick with something. The balcony faces the two buildings behind my place, with a thin sliver of street viewable, and I’m on the first floor, so the sky is limited, too. But I have a nice little angle on the sky and the trees next door, a little more blue than green, and the weather tends to be much nicer in Oakland than it ever was in SF.

I went to Target. I bought an ugly green lawn chair and a small table. I put both on my balcony, and now my balcony is one of my favorite places. I spend as much time out there as I can, weather permitting. When I get off work, I’ll go and sit and read, snack, tweet about rap music, listen to music, or think through whatever I’m working on at the time.

On the weekends, I’ll take naps outside. I need to buy a straw hat like we had when I was a kid for a proper nap, but I get by. I’ll spend hours outdoors on a Saturday, streaming TV or movies or music to my laptop while I enjoy the weather and sky. I was wiped out for the 4th of July this year, thanks to a fun-but-heavy work event earlier in the week. Low sleep, new scars on three outta four limbs (minor on my arms, less-so on my legs), and sore muscles left me too exhausted to go to anybody’s cookout, so I took it easy. I read outside, I napped outside, I napped inside, and I played video games inside.

My balcony won’t fix my life in and of itself, but I do enjoy it. It’s sacred to me. I avoid working outside, though I will fool around on tumblr or edit something I’ve written. It’s an oasis of not-work, an exclusive club that only lets in things I enjoy. I’d probably spend a little more on the lawn chair if I had to start over from scratch, but it works. It feels good.

I needed to carve out this space for myself. I have workaholic, hermetic, and depressive tendencies. My default state is self-protective–“The prickly outer shell’s genetic, it helps defense mode/But it also helps to fuck up a couple of sacred friendships”–and that isn’t necessarily how I want or need to be. It has its benefits, but it can’t be the whole experience, so I’ve been trying to consciously dismantle it for a while now. The balcony helps. It’s a step forward, rather than marching in place.

Getting there.

May’s Window

0533
from katsuya terada’s rakugaking, page 0533

Mostly, May spent her time looking out of the window at her station. It was a wide window, more functional than ornate, and the fact that it begin to curve inward, following the contours of the ship, toward the top made it seem to loom if you weren’t paying attention. Her station was similarly designed, with a gunmetal grey terminal, decorated with a series of red and blue buttons. May’s job was to press the buttons at a certain interval during certain situations. The buttons controlled something elsewhere, usually the power to the airlocks, winches, cranes, things like that. What they did didn’t matter so much as pressing them at the right time.

The right time only came through a couple times a day. The earpiece hidden behind in May’s tangle of hair — she thought about cutting it, but she liked the way near-zero gravity made it look like tentacles, instead of just unkempt — would chime once, pause for five seconds, chime twice, and then a female voice would begin speaking. The voice told May which buttons required her attention and for how long. Upon confirmation from May (“Orders received and understood”), the earpiece switched over to a pre-selected soundtrack. The music varied on a day-to-day basis, ranging from classical to jazz to afrobeat and more, and ended as soon as the task was completed. It served as a timer and reward, mixed work and pleasure.

At 0600 every day, hidden speakers piped music into the living quarters. It began low, and workers often complained of dreaming about the music infiltrating their dreams. It rose over the course of the next five minutes, eventually becoming loud enough to wake any dreamer, before fading out over the course of the next two. The slow build made waking up a smoother process, a comfortable alarm instead of a shocking one.

The forty-five minutes of required exercise began at 0615. The first thirty minutes were composed of standard stretches and calisthenics. The final fifteen were job-specific. EVA-prone builders packed on the weight, techs like May focused mainly on core strength and speed, and engineers were tested with puzzles in addition to physical labor.

Breakfast was communal, scheduled for every day at 0730. Two synthetic eggs, scrambled, with one half-piece of toast and a single glass of orange juice. No meat. Lunch was at 1200 on the dot. A sandwich, a selection of three vegetables, and a carbonated drink. Dinner was at 0730, exactly twelve hours from breakfast. The barracks closed at 2300. Every worker was required to have a minimum of six hours of sleep.

The rigid schedule left no room for error and no room for personalities. May existed to perform her task, and the schedule kept her focused on that task. Everything she was ordered to do related to that task in some way. Barring the communal meals, exercises, and barracks, she spent most of her time alone, the better to remain focused on her task. It was mind-numbing, but it was what she was bred for. She worked.

And she watched. She watched space for hours at a time. She never took pictures, drew, or wrote notes to remind her of what she saw. She kept it all upstairs, for as long as it would last. Something about the vast emptiness interested her more than anything else. The infinite was the most interesting thing on the station, really.

When she got to her desk each morning, she set her satchel on the hook under her desk. The satchel held no personal effects, not even a comb. Instead, it was full of tools. Battery-operated screwdrivers, for opening sealed hatches at her station. Wire cutters, a spool of wire, and soldering irons, for fixing bad connections or replacing circuits. A mask made of hard plastic, made to slip over her head and attach to her suit, in case her station spontaneously evacuated all of its air and replaced it with vacuum. The mask would keep her safe for up to two hours with a minimum of physical damage.

May sat at her station, day after day, and pressed buttons as ordered. It was a thankless and anonymous job, but it was a purpose. She’d been bred for an enhanced attention span, so it didn’t bother her too much. A simple mnemonic, generally muttered under her breath, activated the part of her brain that focused with laser-like precision on working. It kept her calm in times of duress, interested in times that would otherwise give rise to extreme boredom, and ensured that she did her job as required. She didn’t know who required it; merely that it was required.

She’d been on the station for years, maybe five, maybe eight, before she first noticed the infinite that lurked outside her workspace. The glass between her and space was thin, just an inch of highly processed and expertly polished and worked material that kept the cold and radiation out. It was so finely crafted that even the parts of the glass that curved along with the ship showed no distortion in the spotted blackness outside.

May’s station faced Earthward, or at least that is what May was told one day when she asked. But the ship was so far from Sol that identifying anything that might be familiar was next to impossible. Still, on some days, May wondered if that spark toward the center of her window was the solar system that would’ve been her home decades ago. It was a hunch, a feeling she could never quite articulate, but she believed it.

She thought her eyes were playing tricks on her at first. Part of the trouble with looking into the infinite is keeping track of all the moving parts. Two years after she’d started watching space, she swore she saw one of the lights go away, just wink off between blinks. That was impossible, obviously, but she couldn’t shake the feeling she’d seen it happen.

Time passed. She watched and watched as the stars began to go out, one by one. After six months, she could see a drastic change. A circle with a six inch diameter in the lower right corner of her window was nearly empty, and the darkness spread from there. May began sending messages to the upper management, one message a week for six weeks straight.

Every time, the same message came back: “Status green. Proceed as usual.”

Nothing more. Nothing less. No answers. So May kept pressing buttons when ordered to, and watched the darkness begin to overtake the light.

“No Homo” is a confession of insecurity

I really like Fabolous. Probably more than anyone you’ve ever met, I bet. He’s my platonic ideal, more or less, of what a rapper can be. He’s lyrical and thugged out, but he likes rocking over R&B and pop-oriented beats, too. I feel like not a lot of people strike that balance very well, but Fab sticks the landing. But really, I like dude because he’s a comedian, and I’ll take a laugh over basically any other subject matter in rap, period. He’s made two different comedy-themed songs with the Clipse (“Comedy Central” and “Joke’s On You”) for no reason at all. He’s generally funny, and even his murder rhymes are smiley face bars. The Soul Tape 2, a free mixtape he put out last year, is really good. It’s one of my favorite rap releases in the past year. “For the Love,” “We Get High,” “Life Is So Exciting,” and “BITE” have videos, if you’re curious. But the part of the album that sticks out the most for me is probably this one from “For the Love:”

You squares could never stop me, y’all try angles to play me
Two lines for you fuck boys; pause that, now play me

Far as I’m concerned, this is basically genius. It bends in on itself and is dense as heck. It works on a few levels, and it works perfectly on each level. I especially like the way “two lines” transforms into a pause button, which has two lines, then “play me” brings it back to triangles. It’s a reflection of the structure of the line before it. There’s a slang meaning for that second line, too. “Two lines” meaning deuces meaning BYE. A “fuck boy” is your everyday average punk, in this specific case haters who thought Fab didn’t have bars. “Pause that”–Fab has to say “pause that” because he said “fuck boys,” which sounds like “fuck boys,” and that sounds gay and so you need a no homo in there somewhere to even things out.

This is the thing that sucks about rap. Its highs and lows are all tangled up together, so even when I’m enjoying what I love most about the music, I’m still untangling it in the back of my head. While I understand the logic behind “no homo,” every time I hear it I stop in my tracks, because “no homo” represents the exact opposite of what rap is about. So much of what makes rap something I really, seriously love has to do with confidence, whether that means having the confidence to get on the mic and bare your soul or to lie and lie well about who you are and where you’re from, and that makes “no homo” one of the wackest, weakest thing you could possibly say.

You can’t be the biggest, baddest dude on campus and still be so afraid of just being confused for possibly being a gay dude for even a moment that you feel obligated to throw in disclaimers into conversation, just in case someone possibly takes your double entendre as anything other than a joke. That doesn’t track. It’s not confident. It’s an example of pure insecurity, I think. Even if you strip out the homophobia out of the equation entirely, it’s still an incredibly soft thing for a rapper to say. It’s about being afraid, and that’s it. I feel like a real man would just say what he wants to say and dare somebody to test him.

“No homo” and “pause” bum me out, basically, for the obvious reasons and thanks to the fact that they’re a huge speed bump in something I really enjoy. It’s a reminder that I’m listening to a person play a role or make stuff up out of whole cloth. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it pops my suspension of disbelief, because I guess that is a thing I have for music now. I stop believing in the song and can’t sink into it any more.

From a craft standpoint, it’s simply bad writing. It’s weird to sit down, come up with a line, be pleased in those lines, and then build in a disclaimer. No one has to say something that they feel could be misconstrued. It’s like backing yourself into a corner. On top of that, “no homo” isn’t flexible. Outside of a few cheap hits (“no promo,” “no pomo,” etc), you can’t really flip it and load it down with meaning. “Pause” can be flipped, “bitch” can mean a man, woman, dog, car, blunt, sucker, building, room, or u-turn, but “no homo” is pretty much always gonna mean “Nope, still not gay!”

“No homo” feels like a very uncreative part of an exceedingly creative art form, in part because I never really grew up around it or had it in my vocabulary. It’s not that I wasn’t homophobic or around homophobia—just the opposite, obviously—but that’s now how it was expressed around me or how I expressed it. “That’s gay” was one thing, but I didn’t know “no homo” as an ongoing thing until I was grown and had already started really listening to rap and figuring out what I was cool with and what I’m not. So it’s actually easy for me to point at it and reject it. “No homo” isn’t a part of me, so it’s nothing, but “suck my dick?” That’s harder to let go of.

Theresa’s Smile

0915
from katsuya terada’s rakugaking, page 0915

Everyone always said they liked her smile. It weirded Theresa out a little, because in high school and college no one liked much of anything about her, not that they’d felt compelled to tell her at least. She wasn’t even wallpaper. She was the paste behind the wallpaper. Rarely thought of and complimented never.

But now she was grown, she had a good job, her bank account was okay, she had a nice little black lab puppy at home, and every couple of weeks, on the subway, at a restaurant, at the coffee shop, on the street, she heard someone say “Excuse me, but, uh, you have a really pretty smile?” or something to that effect. One guy told her she was “high-beaming,” paused, and immediately apologized. “My mouth sometimes gets out in front of my brain,” he said, before asking if she was busy that weekend.

Theresa had the shy, awkward smile of someone who practiced smiling in a mirror. Nothing special, as far as these things go, but the reaction certainly was remarkable.

The first time someone complimented her, she ignored him. She hated being catcalled. This was just more of the same. The second time, she got caught looking at one guy. He was fresh from the basketball court, judging by his clothes and sweat, and he saw her looking. She looked away, waited, and looked back. He was still looking, so she smiled her practiced smile and looked away again. She could feel a faint warmth crawling its way up her cheeks, physical proof of her guilt.

He sat down beside her and waited a moment. When she didn’t look up, having suddenly become very interested in the gossip magazine she’d been absent-mindedly flipping through, he tapped her shoulder. “I hope this isn’t too creepy,” he began, “but you have a really, really pretty smile.” She smiled back, by accident, and he smiled, too. “I just wanted to say that, I don’t want to bother you or nothing.”

Imagine a woman. She’s tall, but reserved. Skinny jeans, loose t-shirt, and her hair in a bun. Now imagine that same woman, but she is walking on air for a week straight.

After a while, Theresa gave in to the pressure and began going on dates, as long as the complimenter of the day came off genuine and wasn’t too creepy. She was scared of creeps. She was from a small town, and she still wasn’t too sure about New York. She’d heard all the horror stories, most of them false but still terrifyingly feasible to her, and took them to heart. Text a friend before, during, and after a date. Google someone before going out with them. Mace, pocket knife, and know where to throw a knee, elbow, or claw to do the most damage.

To her surprise, Theresa didn’t need any of it. The dates were simple affairs, like coffee and a treat at Starbucks or drinks and pool at a local dive. The picnic in the park got a little awkward, but that was on Theresa’s dog rather than Theresa herself.

The dates didn’t lead to anything past a little drunken making out every once and a while, but that was nice. She didn’t get a lot of that when everyone else did. And each time, she walked home with a pep in her step and a song on her lips.

It felt good.

Once, while she was drunk in a bar with girlfriends, she tried to explain what was going on. It sounded like bragging to her ears, but her ladies only wanted to know more. Did she… with the…? No no no, she demurred. But they kept on: the journalist in the bar bathroom with the leaky faucet, the baller in the backseat of the Acura, the financial district geek in his Benz? Nope, nope, of course not, are you serious?!

Theresa felt good, better than she had in years. She daydreamed about going wild and leaving a trail of broken hearts up and down Manhattan, turning into a real man-eater, and devastating the hearts of lady-killers. But it was a daydream, and nothing more. She didn’t have that in her. She was far too kind for that. She didn’t want to rock the boat so much as just enjoy the ride.

Life was good. She wanted to enjoy it. She liked to smile.

dice-k

When the voice on the other end of his mobile said his uncle died in prison, Daisuke slung the phone down the alley with a sidearm snap and cursed.

He watched his flip phone skip across the concrete. Daisuke played baseball in high school, over ten years gone now, and his throw was half as good as it used to be, but more than good enough for the occasion. The phone didn’t hit the ground for a good twenty feet, and it skipped across the alley when it hit. It bounced once, twice, and then hit the wall hard. The hinge and both screens shattered. The sound was pleasing, the short and final sounding clatter of several different types of high-tech plastic meeting an old-fashioned immovable object.

The deep bass pounding just inside the club’s back door was impossible to ignore, but Daisuke tried anyway. He closed his eyes, and breathed out, squeezing his eyes hard enough to hurt. He patted the pockets of his black slim-fit jeans, looking for a pack of cigarettes. He felt his keys, emergency knife, a thick roll of bills, and a business card from some geek who claimed he had a big idea, but no smokes. He opened his eyes and patted harder, looking at where he patted this time, only to realize that he’d quit smoking exactly seven days prior. Cold turkey. His nostrils flared and he closed his eyes again, breathing even more slowly. His breath crystallized in the cold night air, and he looked at it, his eyes unfocused, as it faded away.

Takeshi Yamamoto was blood, real blood. He wasn’t a true uncle, more of an older distant cousin, but Daisuke loved him. Yamamoto showed him the ropes, vouched for him when it counted, and now he was dead. Some tame cop, some coward, who had been more than happy to take Yamamoto’s money for years turned snitch, and now Yamamoto was dead. It wasn’t fair.

The wall hurt when he hit it. His punch landed just to the right of the hinges of the door with a flat slap. His knuckles scraped the intricate brickwork, sending a hot flash up his arm. Before the flash faded, he’d swung again, and again, and again. His blood smeared the wall with each new punch, and the last punch slipped on it, slamming into the door and leaving a starburst of blood on the cool metal and a low thud echoing down the alley. He lifted his hand again, ready to throw another punch, and paused. He forced his fist to unclench and worked his fingers. A blast of air shot out of his nostrils as his hand lowered to his side, still working his fingers. His other hand was still.

The door opened and the owner of the club, a nervous little worm of a man with thick glasses, peeked outside. “Ah,” said the worm, “sir, did you get locked out? I’m terribly–”

Daisuke waved him off and said “Shut up.” He grabbed the door with his right hand, the bloody one, and felt his fingers beginning to stiffen. He swung it open all the way, wrenching it out of the worm’s hands. “Bring a first aid kit to VIP.” Daisuke slipped past the worm, his lanky frame nearly bowling over the owner, and strode into the club. “And a bottle.” Daisuke paused his forward motion and spoke while facing straight ahead, away from the worm. “Proper whiskey, none of the watered down piss water you serve the simps. Top shelf, something golden brown instead of tan. Something with a burn.”

The club was packed. A year ago, it was some hole in the wall in Ikebukuro, barely worth the entrance fee. It was a terrible place for a dance club, even in that district. It had the wrong vibe, the worst location, and terrible foot traffic, but the owners managed to fast-talk their way into a sponsorship deal with a music label. That led to a series of shows with buzzed about, but low budget, rappers. The shows were very well received, and the right place hit the right time. Bigger musicians began to visit to play, and then to loiter. After six months, the club had a rep. The location and vibe became badges of honor. It was an out-of-the-way club that offered an off-the-beaten-path experience. Reality vérité, for people who wanted to see what wilding out was really like. It was a place to see and be seen, and the bouncers at the door — corporation men, every one of them, as were the label reps — served as the perfect barrier to entry. You Must Be This Rich To Ride, You Must Show This Much Skin To Get In.

The VIP booths, four of them, overlooked the dance floor. One was kept empty, just in case Daisuke or his brothers decided to come by. The other three were dedicated to the elite crowd. The booths were just past the bar, up a short flight of stairs. A single man, higher ranking than the thugs at the door, but not by much, sat by the stairs. His job was to flirt with the girls, glare at the men, and be there for whatever Daisuke needed. He was a glorified gopher, and Daisuke hated him, deep down.

The back door was across the dance floor from the VIP booths and the bar. Daisuke had to walk across the club to get back to the VIP. An annoyance, but an unavoidable one. The quickest route was through the dance floor. He could have gone around it, but there would be people in the way regardless. The direct route, then.

He stepped onto the dance floor and began walking, eyes forward. Most people, once they realized who he was or saw the reactions of others, moved out of his way. One woman didn’t. She noticed him. She winked at him when she saw him notice her, threw a sexy twirl his way, and danced at him. She danced close, close enough for her breath to be hot on his neck. Daisuke grimaced, placed a hand on her shoulder, and pushed her off. He kept walking.

The scrub guarding the stairs to the VIP was too busy with a girl to lift the velvet rope and let Daisuke in. Typical. Pathetic. Give a young man a bit of money and a little power, and the only thing on his mind would be a woman. The man had both his hands around the girl’s waist, fingers interlaced, and she stood over him while he sat on a stool, blocking his view. Daisuke reached over the woman’s shoulder, grabbed the man’s shoulder with his bloody hand, and pushed. He pushed hard. The goon fell backwards, tipping off the stool, and the girl went down with him. He caught the velvet rope on his way down, pulling the brass poles that supported it to the ground. Daisuke stepped to the side, away from the tumbling couple, and waited.

Before the dust could settle, the goon was rising to his feet, knife first. Daisuke watched him, looking him dead in his eyes, waiting for that flash of recognition that would mean the guy wasn’t a total idiot. It came late, almost too late, and was quickly replaced by panic.

He apologized profusely and politely, ignoring the girl when she asked what was going on. He swore fealty, stressed his loyalty, and promised to pay more attention in the future. Daisuke told him to go home.

“I’m deeply sorry, I didn’t know–”

“And you won’t. Go home. You’ll be called next time I need you.” Daisuke watched the man open his mouth again. “Not another word or I swear I’ll cut your throat with your own little knife.”

The owner didn’t bring the first aid kit up himself. Daisuke assumed he was too afraid to, or maybe just too eager to please. The man was a try-hard, desperate to seem like he was a willing and open-minded cog in the machine. He wanted everything to go smoothly, so when the worm sent up a pretty bartender, the first aid kit, whiskey, and several glasses balanced on a tray, Daisuke rolled his eyes and accepted it. He focused on breathing and didn’t look at her.

The woman sat down next to him on the plush purple couches. Her weight made Daisuke rise slightly as the couch stabilized. She was pretty, clad in a purple and black cocktail dress. The club’s palette ran toward varying shades of purple, from lilac to nearly black, and that was reflected in both the staff’s dress code and the decor of the club. Her skirt was on the darker side of purple; just enough to blend with the black, but not so dark that it wouldn’t be noticed.

She settled and introduced herself. She was Kanae, her boss had sent her up as a personal hostess, and would he be drinking alone tonight? She inclined her head toward the whiskey and the glasses. Unbidden, she turned over one of the ornate tumblers on her tray. Her hand shook slightly, and it clinked against the others. A small tattoo of a sunflower stretched between her index finger and thumb, the stem winding its way to her wrist, where it disappeared under a purple and black studded bracelet.

“You’re nervous,” Daisuke said.

“Oh, no,” Kanae insisted. She shook her head briefly, and her bob flicked from side to side in the hot room. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ve just been on the clock for a while. Merely a tremor, sir. Nothing to worry about.”

Daisuke looked at her as she poured him a glass of whiskey. She was focused on her task, her eyebrows creased, and knew enough not to offer him ice. “Pour yourself a glass,” he said.

Kanae looked surprised, and then crestfallen. “I couldn’t afford it, sir,” she said. “I’m sorry, but this is very expensive for someone like me, and we aren’t allowed to drink on the job, besides.”

“Pour yourself a glass,” Daisuke said. “It’s on the house.” He lifted his glass and looked at her until she poured one of her own. They toasted (“To your health sir.” “To family.”), he nodded at her, and he drained his glass. She took a healthy sip, swallowed, grimaced, and coughed. “Not your speed?” Daisuke looked at his glass and frowned at the streaks of blood on the outside. The blood had thinned out, but still made the glass slippery. He poured himself another glass, ignoring Kanae’s attempt to pour it herself. It was too full this time.

“I usually like beer, honestly.” Kanae smiled and shrugged. “But this is good! Thank you very much.” She took another swallow, coughed again, quieter this time, and turned to face Daisuke. “Ah, I was informed that you needed first aid, sir? You’re injured?”

Daisuke polished off half his second glass with a gulp and treasured the burn as it made its way down his chest. “That I am,” he said. He held out his right hand palm-first. His palm was red, and dried blood flaked off as he moved his fingers. He turned his hand around and showed her his savaged knuckles. “Do you want to know what happened, Kanae?”

Kanae hid her look of shock by focusing on opening the first aid kit. It was a cheap little box, but it had mercurochrome, rubbing alcohol, bandages, and wraps. They were all generic, probably bootlegged, but they would do. She removed everything from the box, arranging them onto a table near the plate the whiskey sat on, and spoke. “If you’d like to tell me, sir, I’d be happy to listen.” She looked at his hand again, tentatively, and her eyebrows crunched again. “Do you mind if I disinfect that while you tell me? It may sting.”

“You are nervous!” Daisuke said, and laughed. He held out his hand over the empty plastic box and swirled his whiskey glass with his other hand. “Sting me,” he said, “and tell me why you’re so nervous.”

Kanae held both hands in front of herself, palms out. “I’m merely trying to show you the respect you deserve, that a man of your position deserves–”

“No,” Daisuke said. “You’re nervous. Why?”

She was silent for a moment, clearly weighing her options. She chewed her lower lip and lowered her hands into her lap before she spoke again. She spoke slowly, carefully considering every word. “I know that you are yakuza,” she said, “and I assume that you are fairly high ranking in your organization, considering how you are treated here.”

“And how am I treated here, Kanae?”

“With respect. With fear. The owner fears you,” — and here Daisuke laughed again, a harsh sound to Kanae’s ears — “and the staff always talk about you, they trade stories. Respectful ones, of course. You’re… a mystery to us.” Kanae motioned to Daisuke’s hand, and then to the medical supplies. “May I?”

Daisuke rolled up his sleeve and offered his hand again.

Kanae doused Daisuke’s entire hand in mercurochrome, rinsed it in water, and doused it again. His fingers were a mess, and the knuckles were in particularly bad shape, too. While Daisuke held his hand over the now-wet box, Kanae investigated the bandages, weighing the benefits of several bandages over one wrap. “I’m no expert, sir, but I’ll do my best.” She began dabbing at Daisuke’s wounds with a cotton ball, clearing out the rest of the blood and prepping for another round of antiseptic.

Daisuke watched her work for a moment, and then asked her, “What did the owner say when he sent you up here?”

She blushed underneath her makeup and stammered. “He said you were angry, and that I was to make sure you were comfortable, no matter what.”

“No matter what,” Daisuke said. He enunciated the phrase carefully, exploring the taste of it. “And that’s why you’re nervous?”

“Yes sir,” she said. “I must confess that I’m… not entirely sure what is expected of me.” She finished cleaning his hand, and moved on to applying bandages where she could. “I think I’m going to have to wrap this, sir. The bandages aren’t big enough.”

Daisuke grunted something like an affirmative and sat in thought for a moment. The silence was thick, and almost painful. “Kanae,” he said, and stopped. He started again. “Do you want to know what happened to my hand?”

Kanae’s voice was very small when she answered. “If you’d like to tell me, I would be happy to hear it.” She jumped when he flexed his hand.

“Do you want to hear the story, or not? Yes or no.”

“Yes, sir,” she said. She began working a wrap around his hand, folding it tightly around his wounds. She moved slowly, wrapping the hand as a hole and then each finger on its own.

“I don’t have a father,” Daisuke said. “He left, or died, or something long before I was born. I grew up with my mother. Eventually, she found a man, a boyfriend. I was twelve the first time he hit her. He wasn’t a drunk. He was just scum.” Daisuke finished his second glass and motioned for Kanae to pour him another. “I was angry, but he was bigger than I was. I knew my place. A month after he hit my mother, my uncle Takeshi came to visit. We put on a good front, we had a nice dinner. The perfect family, despite the cohabitation. I was to do the dishes that night, and uncle Takeshi offered to do them with me.”

Kanae finished wrapping his hand, tying a tight bow on his palm to top things off. She inspected her work, turning his hand this way and that, and nodded. “Your uncle sounds like a kind man.”

“You didn’t know my uncle,” Daisuke said. “My mother and her boyfriend went to watch television while we washed, and I told my uncle what happened.” He took another drink here, holding it in his mouth before swallowing. “My uncle was already my hero. He lived in the big city, he’d escaped our family, and he had nice clothes. He took me to see the Hawks a couple times, back before the Softbank business.

“I told my uncle what my mother’s boyfriend had done, and he stopped washing dishes. He knelt down — I thought he was really tall back then, but it turns out I was just short for my age — and he looked me in my eyes. He grabbed my shoulders, he grabbed them tight, and he told me something I never forgot. Do you know what he told me?”

Kanae’s hands were back in her lap at this point, and she was staring at her knees. Her drink sat in front of her, untouched since her second sip. “No, sir, I don’t. What did he say?”

“‘Daisuke,’ he said to me. ‘Daisuke, your family comes first. You’re a man, so be one. Even if it costs you your life, you do not let anyone fuck with your family.'” Daisuke smiled at the side of Kanae’s head, watching her watch her lap. “I was twelve,” he said. “And then uncle Takeshi dried his hands, walked into the living room, and put my mother’s boyfriend through a window. He opened the door — I thought that was the weirdest thing, that he’d walk to the door and open it — and went outside. He beat the man nearly to death without saying a word. And then he made a phone call. A cop arrived, took the man into custody, and I never saw him again. My uncle left a roll of bills with us to pay for the window. He told me to never forget what he told me, that some things are more important than my life.”

“Mm,” Kanae said. “And your uncle, he brought you into this… he helped you become a yakuza?”

“That he did, Kanae,” Daisuke said. He was quiet for a moment, joining Kanae in her silence. “Do you still not know what is expected of you?” Daisuke asked.

“Ah,” she began, but Daisuke interrupted her with a raised hand.

“My uncle died today, Kanae.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” she replied.

“I’m not interested in your body, and I’m no rapist.” Daisuke drank again, a shorter sip this time. “You’re too nervous.”

“I’m very sorry, sir.”

“All I want you to do,” Daisuke said, and took another swallow of whiskey, “is sit here and talk to me until I decide to leave. And you can’t do that if you’re this nervous.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot help it.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I apologize for thinking otherwise,” Kanae said. She finally met his gaze, ever so briefly, before looking away again.

“Are you going to apologize for apologizing next?” Daisuke asked, “or are we going to actually talk?”

“We can talk,” she said, and they did.

They were still talking when something caught Daisuke’s eye. He stopped talking to Kanae mid-sentence, stood, and watched the club from his window. Down, to the right, near the DJ. There was seating and a mini-bar for high rollers down there, just at the end of the dance floor proper. That’s where the movement was. There were surprised people there, but he couldn’t figure out why. He watched people trying to leave, and eventually the floor cleared to the point that he could locate the source of the trouble. Some fool had had too much to drink or was fired up on drugs, and he’d turned belligerent. He was waving a knife at the patrons and saying something, but his shouts couldn’t be heard over the throbbing of the music. A knife, of all things. A chair or two lay at the man’s feet, knocked over during his rise. The bouncers at the door were worthless. They hadn’t noticed the commotion yet, but they’d soon be on their way. Daisuke figured he’d join them.

“Kanae,” he said.

“Sir?”

“How heavy is that whiskey bottle?”

There was a quiet moment, and then a thunk as Kanae tested its weight. “Pretty heavy, sir. It’s real glass, at least I think it is.”

Daisuke turned around and took the bottle. He poured her a drink, once again over-filling the glass, and said, “Stay here.” He left the VIP booth with the bottle. She nodded behind him, and obediently clutched her glass.

It was harder to get through the club this time. Bad vibes have a way of traveling, and while precious few people knew exactly what was going on, they knew something was happening. Something bad. They were less inclined to make way for anyone, even someone as obviously connected as Daisuke. He pushed and shoved his way through the crowd, taking pulls off his bottle on the way. Halfway to the trouble he met up with a bouncer, a low-level enforcer he knew from back in the day. Daisuke rose through the ranks. This guy didn’t. C’est la guerre. They looked at each other and moved through the crowd together, the bouncer clearing the way.

The idiot was definitely drunk, Daisuke realized. He could smell the alcohol, even over the fumes pouring out of his own bottle. The drunk had his back to the DJ booth and was swinging wildly at whoever got close. There was broken glass at his feet, and the crowd had retreated around him, forming a half-circle of spectators eager for a fight.

Daisuke inclined his head at the bouncer, and then motioned at the drunk. As Daisuke watched the bouncer move in, screaming epithets at the drunk all the while. Daisuke closed his eyes, mouthed a silent thank you to his uncle, and then opened them again. The noise of the club faded as Daisuke focused. He didn’t even hear the record skip when the bouncer threw the drunk up against the DJ booth. All of reality narrowed down to a single point, and the shouts, jeers, and screams didn’t even so much as make waves in Daisuke’s consciousness. He was watching the bouncer beat on the man and thinking about the next move.

He stepped forward, toward the action, just as the drunk shoved the bouncer off him. The bouncer looked as surprised at the knife stuck in his collarbone as the drunk, and stumbled backwards before tripping over a chair and bringing down a table. The drunk was bleeding from the face by this point, his face reduced to a red smear by the bouncer’s fists. He looked at Daisuke, balled up his fists, and decided to make a bad decision. He grabbed a broken bottle from the floor, a remnant of his earlier rampage. It dripped cheap beer from the broken end. The man took a step and then sprinted at Daisuke.

Daisuke didn’t smile when he brought the whiskey bottle up and around, slamming it against the side of the drunk’s head, but he wanted to. It felt better than anything had felt in ages, even if it made his wounded hand hurt more.

The drunk went flying, skidding to a stop to Daisuke’s left, close to where the bystanders were watching. The club was beginning to empty as the bouncers, hosts, and hostesses began escorting people outside. They worked quickly, promising free drink tickets and future admission in exchange for silence, and physically removed most of the people from the club. Daisuke looked at his whiskey bottle and his eyes widened in surprise. It was still half full, and it hadn’t so much as cracked during the impact. Kanae was right. It was heavy, real heavy. It clearly wasn’t suited to serve as a sharp weapon in a pinch, but it was a great cudgel. Good enough.

Daisuke turned his head to watch the drunk rise. The drunk shook his head, sending a halo of blood to the floor, grabbed a chair and lunged at Daisuke again. Daisuke threw the bottle this time, purely on reflex, and caught the man square in the face with its base. The bottle didn’t break this time either, and it didn’t halt his forward motion at all. The man tipped forward while his head snapped back, and his momentum carried him into Daisuke’s arms. He sat there in a daze for just a moment before trying to push away.

Daisuke rolled with the motion and turned him around, bending the man’s knife hand behind and up his back in the process. Daisuke pushed the man’s elbow up with his other hand, hard, until he felt and heard the shoulder pop, and then threw a punch directly at the base of the man’s skull for good measure. Daisuke’s right hand throbbed at the exertion, but the man fell to the ground, limp, and laid there moaning. The bottle slowly spun to a stop off to the side, still unbroken, whiskey dribbling out of its neck. Daisuke grabbed the bottle, gauged how much liquor was left and whether any blood had made it inside the bottle, and looked around. He wanted to do more; he had the perfect chance to do more, but now was not the time.

The club was empty now. Daisuke only spotted staff and fellow yakuza as he surveyed the area. The staff was cleaning up already, accelerating their shutdown process. Half the yakuza were looking at him for guidance. The other half was preparing to remove the man from the premises. One of them was lighting a cigarette, and Daisuke glared at him. When he went to put it out, though, Daisuke waved and shrugged. Do what you want. The club’s owner slipped into the area, eager to demonstrate how excited he was to clean up the spilled blood and liquor in front of his masters and to discipline his workers if they moved to slowly.

Another enforcer approached Daisuke and asked what he wanted done with the drunk. “Empty his pockets,” Daisuke said. “Leave his cards, but take his cash, identification, any photos. His phone. Does he have car keys?” A man checked and grunted a no. “Then dump him far from his home. He can walk back.” Daisuke watched the men work, and then had another thought. “Strip him naked, too, before you drop him off.”

Daisuke looked up at the VIP and saw Kanae looking out of the window. Her arms were crossed, a glass of whiskey held in one hand as she watched the melee. Daisuke smiled, his first smile of the night, and threw her a loose military-style salute with his bandaged hand. His fingers were locking into place now, so stiff that he couldn’t move them if he tried. It turned his hands into a claw. He’d have to visit a hospital. She smiled a sad smile and lifted her glass.

lita

I don’t remember exactly when, some time between 2003 and 2005, I came home from college. My older aunt called me and told me that Lita, my younger aunt’s best friend, had died. I was quiet for a moment, and then I said, “Okay.” She asked me if I was all right, and I told her yes. We hung up, and I think I might have taken a second for myself, and then I went about whatever my business was at the time. Lunch, maybe. I didn’t cry. I didn’t even grieve, thinking back. She died, I found out, and life went on.

It’s not that I didn’t like Lita. Just the opposite. She was a constant fixture in my house growing up. My younger aunt is around nine years older than me, just old enough to want to tease me when I got old enough to be teased, and Lita was around the same age. She was familiar enough that it feels weird to type her full name. She was always Lita, and sometimes Lita Mae when my grandmom was around, I think. Like my uncle’s friends Tick and Charles (I called him Chuck when I was younger, I thought I was funny), she was sort of my friend, too. My cousin was closer to Lita, I think, because she was good friends with Lita’s younger brother and son. But she wasn’t a stranger.

Lita’s death was my introduction to death as an adult, and it bothers me that my reaction was numb or non-existent. I never talked to anyone about it, I never stayed up about it… I never felt anything. I feel more about not feeling anything than I do about her actual death.

Part of it is my memory. It’s not hard to picture her, but it is hard to remember her. She’s a collection of sounds and visuals that don’t quite coalesce. I remember her face and her smile. She laughed different than most people, not a giggle and not a guffaw. If I had to type it out, it’d have the first three letters of hyuk, but without the yokel associations. She laughed like it began down in her toes and rolled up until it reached her mouth, like a reverse avalanche. It was throaty, diaphragm-y.

She liked elephants. That was her thing. I’m not sure why, I don’t think I ever asked, but that was it. My mom sent me one of the elephants Lita gave her a few years ago, I think just because she was moving houses and had no space for it. I look at it sometimes and I think, “Oh, Lita liked elephants.”

She had a son. He was young when she died, though I guess he isn’t any more. He was young enough that I didn’t want to hang out with him when I was a kid, but in reality, I’m probably just ten or twelve years older than him, like my aunt’s just nine older than me. She had a couple brothers. Her mother is still around, I think. It’s sad.

I sometimes think about her and why I feel the way I do. It feels deficient, almost, like I’ve failed her. Like I owed her a classic grieving period for all the times we had, but I don’t remember them and therefore failed her. I don’t know what she liked to eat, listen to, or do. I remember watching one of those custom music video tapes her and my aunt did. It was corny and funny, but a time capsule. It was 1992 in a nutshell. That’s sort of how I see her, me being a pre-teen and her hanging out with my aunt. Frozen in that specific time, that memory.

I’m not sure why I wanted to write this. It felt like something I needed to say to someone, anyone. I wish I could remember her better.

Life is illmatic.

I quit my day job on Monday.

It was the second career change I’ve hit in the past month. ComicsAlliance closed a month ago. I knew the Friday before the news broke across the comics internet. It was a surprise, and an unpleasant one, but I took the weekend to get used to the idea and start making plans for the future. I worked through it, got over it, and moved on before everyone else found out it happened.

I hung out with people, I had some nice times, and then the week started. People slowly started noticing, rumors started flying, and people started talking about what ComicsAlliance meant to them. Some people were hilariously negative, but most were overwhelmingly positive.

I didn’t dwell on the reaction to the closure, but it was hard to miss. I’m on Twitter during my workday because I like to take brief breaks while I work, and it’s nice to be able to hop off, have a conversation and hop back on. I write quickly, so it doesn’t particularly set me back or anything. But that day, it seemed like every tweet and retweet was about ComicsAlliance.

It made everything real in a way being told about the closure over IM didn’t. I thought I’d made my peace with it, but I didn’t. I realized that it actually did hurt more than I expected it to, and that forced me to think a lot about where I’m at, where I’m going, and what I was capable of doing.

That part sucked. I’m not particularly great at doing commercial posts, the kind that bring in the hits, and I don’t care about reviewing the same comics week-in, week-out. Who cares, right? I could bend and do those things, but I’d be faking it. I’d be hacking it out. That, to me, is a worse sin than being bad at something. Do it or don’t, but don’t do it in half-measures.

I gave a lot of thought to what I wanted to do and what I felt I could reasonably do. I had this plan to go full freelance by the end of the year, and had started reaching out to people to see if I could make that happen. Not so much — everyone wants one or two pieces every now and then, but nobody wants a regular stream of features. Something’s better than nothing, but something didn’t quite fit my goals. Something would keep me where I am, instead of pushing forward. It would be treading water, when what I really needed was to swim. I’ve been treading for years, I realized, and that wasn’t good enough.

I put a lot of thought into what I do, offline and online, and decided I needed a change. That’s why this site exists, to give me a chance to do something I need to do in order to move forward.

Quitting my day job, the thing that pays my rent, wasn’t part of the plan, until suddenly it was a necessity. I made the decision one day and, just like when CA closed, I thought it through and I was comfortable with it, or at least accepting of it. There were a couple weeks of hardcore turmoil, but when I made the decision, I felt better. I’d been talking it over with friends, too, which helps me process things.

I gave two weeks notice on Monday morning. I walked to Starbucks in the afternoon with a few friends, and pretty much as soon as we left the office I told them. They were real supportive, which is nice. Nice is understating it, maybe. But I felt good about it. Even still, it didn’t feel real until I was walking to the bus. My eyes were watery and my head was full of bees. It had finally sunk in.

Listen: I’m 29 years old. I turn 30 in November. I’ve been doing this job, or some variant thereof, for eight years. I did two years freelance. I’ve been working with people in and around this company since 2004 or 2005. I quit college and moved to San Francisco in 2007 when I went full-time with a salary. I got an apartment that was as expensive as it was small and I lived there for five and a half years. I’ve been through four offices and a lot of interns. I’ve flown to Japan for this job. I’ve had this job longer than I’ve intentionally done just about anything in my entire life. 4thletter! is the only thing that comes close to beating it, I think. This gig is older than most of my friendships, even.

I moved around a lot as a kid. I went to two elementary schools, four middle schools, and three high schools. That’s nine schools for thirteen years of education. I rarely spent more than two years in the same house. I quickly learned how to make friends (be funny) and how to get over losing friends (put it out of your head).

It’s less true now. I think I’m still pretty good at making friends, but giving up friends? Giving up other things? I always underestimate what it’s gonna feel like. I feel bad, then I get over feeling bad, and then I realize, no, I’m not done yet. I didn’t process it as well as I thought I did.

I have new things coming, things I think are gonna be pretty cool, but it’s weird to shut the door on two major parts of my life, to turn away from almost ten years of my life, and see what’s next. I have faith things will work out okay, but it’s no less terrifying than it was when it was a hypothetical scenario. But I’m getting by. I’m getting used to the idea. I’ve got another week of normal left and then I’ll figure it out as I go along.

First in…

I had this joke I wanted to tweet last year as I shifted mental gears from a too-brief stay in Los Angeles back to what’s needed for day-to-day life in San Francisco. I don’t remember how I was going to structure the tweet exactly, mainly because I was pretty wiped out at that moment, but it was something like “shout-out to everybody else who makes peace with their own death every time they get on an airplane.” It’s half-jokes, but it’s half-true, too. I didn’t tweet it because I was about to get onto a plane and it seemed like it was in terrible taste. Reality spent a lot of 2012 calling every bluff I could come up with, and the last thing I needed was a plane to fall out of the sky and it to be my fault.

But yeah, basically: at some point in the past five years I started being afraid of airplanes. Not afraid to the point that I don’t fly when I need to, obviously, but afraid in the sense that I pay too much attention to every dip, shudder, and jerk when we’re in the air. The Fear came as a big surprise to me. I’ve been flying alone since I was a kid. I grew up grooving on fighter jets and dog fights. I’ve seen the Blue Angels several times. My hometown is near an active air base. I’ve been flying since you could do teary goodbyes at the gate instead of at the curb. Flying was how I got from Home to wherever Not-Home was at the time. It was essential, and I liked planes enough that it was fun. But that changed as I got older and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.

The pilot on my trip to LA last year said something that threw me off, but also threw the root of my problem with planes into extreme focus. He was explaining the amenities and flight time, as usual, and he mentioned that we’d “reached our cruising altitude of thirty-three thousand feet… or seven miles.”

The thing is, thirty-three thousand feet is an absurd number. It’s not real. You can’t point and say “I live thirty-three thousand feet in that direction.” You can’t really grasp it. It’s a big number, in the way that a light year is big or the Pacific Ocean is big. It’s so big that it’s almost fake. It’s a number that’s big enough that all you can do is nod sagely and go “Yeah, huh, that’s pretty big.”

Seven miles, though, is concrete. It’s a small number. It’s an honest number. I know exactly how long seven miles is. I know how long it takes to drive seven miles. San Francisco is seven miles across and seven miles down. In middle and high school, when I didn’t care about physical fitness, I could walk a mile in about fifteen minutes, just enough to make the grade but not nearly fast enough to excel. I’m faster now, but let’s assume a base mile time of 15 minutes on average, times seven is one-oh-five, which puts you at just under two hours to walk seven miles, assuming a steady, leisurely pace and no breaks. Seven miles is a real number, and the pilot made me very conscious of that fact during the flight.

Being conscious of the different ways I could die is part of the problem. Part of the flying experience is being very, very aware of each and every possible death you might encounter while within an airport or airplane.

Outside the airport: if you see something, say something, snitch your face off, snitch as hard as you can because of terrorism! Also don’t park your car for longer than ten minutes, because we will send someone by to check you out in case your car has a bomb in it.

Inside the airport: terrorists got us so scared we’re looking at an orange alert, a high risk of terror attack, a five out of six on the scale. So step through this scanner, let us dust you for bomb juice, take off your shoes because one of those blew up once, and let us check you for weapons, lighters, and liquids. Yes. All of you.

At the gate: please keep your suitcases on you, because someone who has made it through our security may, in fact, have smuggled something and may want to place it inside your luggage because… that’s how these things work. Trust me. There’s a danger here.

On the plane: put your seatbelt on so turbulence doesn’t break your fool neck. These masks will give you oxygen in case we depressurize and the cabin is flooded with freezing air and your eardrums explode. Oh, and put your mask on before you put a mask on your kid’s face, because if you die first he’s definitely gonna die. Sorry. Oh! We’re really high up, too, ha ha. Are you ready to fall for minutes, not seconds, in the event of utter catastrophe?

I know in my head that flying is one of the safest ways to travel, but they do so much to convince me otherwise that by the time I get to the plane, I’m nervous and fidgety. By the time we hit turbulence, I’m thinking about how long it would take for the plane to fall out of the sky and if anything embarrassing is on my computer at home. When the plane takes a steep turn, I press my feet against the floor, desperate to change the orientation of the entire plane and keep myself steady. I grind my teeth.

Driving a car is wild dangerous, but the only advice I got the first time I got behind a wheel was “Drive slow, don’t hit anything, and try not to wreck the clutch.” That was it! Later, of course, I learned about driving in the rain and other situations, but that’s knowledge gained through experience, instead of instruction. When they give you a car, they say, “Hop in this tiny cube and fling yourself down the road at 70 or 80 em-pee-aich if you want to get anywhere on time. Wear a seltbelt.”

I used bike to work before I moved, and I still occasionally pedal around Oakland. I’m pretty tentative on the bike after my accident in 2012, but I’m still way more tentative about flying. This is despite the fact that I know firsthand how much bike accidents hurt, how easy it is to die on the road, and how often cars will make terrible decisions at your expense because them getting to a red light first is more important than being a responsible driver. Biking, especially in San Francisco, is definitely a “take your life in your own hands and pray that everyone else is paying attention” situation, but I’m still cooler with biking than I am with flying.

I’m obviously not going to stop flying. I’ve had The Fear for a few years now, and I’ve flown at least a dozen times since. It’s not bad, but it is annoying. I do think that finally realizing it was being so conscious of my own death, however unlikely it may be, is the break I needed to stop quietly trying to push my feet through the floorboards on a flight. I think, anyway — the flight from LAX back to SFO was much easier, though I did a lot of thinking about this before the flight. But we’ll see how it goes. I can’t stay in the Bay forever.

Karen, 28, of Palmdale, CA

0598
detail from katsuya terada’s rakugaking, page 0598

Brenda caught Karen throwing punches at the bathroom mirror at work. It was nothing extreme, just a few quick and reliable combos that she wanted to commit to muscle memory. She cycled from jab-jab to feint-hook to jab-uppercut-hook-overhead right and back again. Karen liked to throw in a random bob between combos sometimes, just to stay on her toes and keep things fresh. It was nothing more than a lunchtime lark, a bored data entry specialist with too much time to kill at work, but still: she got caught.

Worst of all, she was caught by Brenda, of all the people who could have wandered into the bathroom. Cruel Brenda. Hated Brenda. Brenda-the-gossip. Karen froze when she realized that Brenda was watching her in the mirror. Her mind turned over quickly, simultaneously trying to gauge how long Brenda had been there and the best way to escape the situation. An image flashed into her head of Brenda with a bloody nose, her impeccable make-up smudged across her face in an ugly smear. She almost smiled at the thought, but waved it away. Karen opened her mouth to speak, but Brenda spoke first.

“Does that actually work?”

Karen worked her mouth, surprised and confused, but no sounds came out. She tried again. “What?” Ugh.

“That thing you’re doing, the aerobics or whatever. Does that work?”

Karen breathed out through her nose, nice and slow. “Yeah.” She breathed in. Escape route found; salvation in sight. “Yeah, it does. Um. I do an hour a day. It’s great.”

“Is it a hips thing? What does it work?”

“Oh.” Pause for thought. “It’s mostly cardio and flexibility, that kind of thing. More of an uh overall health sort of deal than toning.”

Brenda looked at her. “Mm.” There was something snide even in that simple sound, like everything in the entire world wasn’t interesting enough for her to bother with a full syllable. She looked Karen up and down, turned, and left the bathroom.

Karen breathed out and stretched. The routine was almost unconscious now. She worked her arms, her chest, her shoulders, her arms again, and then finished with a few light ab stretches. She muttered something under her breath while she stretched, something full of hard Ks and a light, keening whine. She finished stretching and threw another combo at the mirror, 1-2-1. She couldn’t help but smile at her image in the mirror. She turned the water on and rested both hands on the sink while the water heated up. She splashed her face, dried her hands, gave her hair a once-over, left the bathroom, and tried not to think about the tall tale Brenda was undoubtedly spinning to whoever she hadn’t yet alienated in the office.

Karen was useless the rest of the day. She wasn’t focused on her job. She was focused on what was going to happen after she clocked out. She was focused on the bell that was going to ring at 1930. She was focused on everything but her work, and she knew it. She sprinted to the bathroom and threw up her lunch a little after 1600. It made her feel better and worse at the same time.

Karen joined a boxing gym three months ago. She was drunk at the time. She wasn’t falling down drunk, but she was just drunk enough to appear sober but still manage to make a series of terrible decisions. The thought of learning how to fight appealed to her, in her haze, and that appeal remained as she sobered up. The week before her first training session was filled with daydreams about fifteen-second knockouts, vicious uppercuts, and every boss she ever loathed clumsily apologizing through a broken jaw.

She vomited twice in her first session. She’d been through P90X, and hot yoga had put her through her paces a couple years ago. But the training at this gym was on an entirely different level. They made her work the bag for the first half hour after stretching. They called it a stress test and preliminary assessment. It felt like torture. She threw punches as hard as she could, left-right, left-right, but the bag barely moved at all. At one point, she’d caught the rhythm the coaches had told her about, got excited, and watched in horror as one punch missed entirely. She slowed her pace, refocused, and tried not to think about how the muffled laughter elsewhere in the gym made her want to die. Later came sprints, and worse. She lost it while running sprints, barely making it to the bathroom before her stomach turned her upside down.

When Karen woke up the next day, she felt great. She felt loose in ways she never believed were possible, and she blazed through the workday. The next morning was less kind. She found out later that it was called “delayed onset muscle soreness.” Her primary trainer laughed when she asked about it. Her arms and legs hurt so much that even curling into the fetal position to escape the pain was impossible. She called in to work — texted in, actually — and spent the day in bed, feebly sipping from a bottle of water and noshing a series of omelettes until nighttime.

Two days later, she was back at the gym. One week after that, she went in two days a week. Two weeks after that, she was at the gym a minimum of three times a week, and sometimes four if she could manage it. Training and conditioning hurt. It was the most evil thing she’d ever experienced. But she kept at it. Karen didn’t have much, but there was something pleasant about hitting a bag until your arms were too weak to swing and running suicides until your knees felt like jelly and your heart tried to bang its way out of your chest.

Tonight was her first official match. It was just against someone from her gym, as part of an internal ranking system, mere prep for a local amateur league. It wasn’t a big deal. Except it was. This was her first chance to show and prove, to get a taste of what she spent the last few months training for.

She subtly practiced her shoulder roll at her desk. She disguised her head bobbing as the result of pop music in her earphones, even going so far as to sing along every once and a while. She practiced breathing. She let her hindbrain watch for Brenda while she mentally prepared herself for tonight.